An Unexpected Holiday Message

"Twas the night before Christmas

 And all through the house

 Not a creature was stirring

 Not even a mouse."

No mice were stirring, eh? Well, I beg to differ…especially when your holiday tree is affectionately dubbed a holiday buffet.

Here’s the story of how my Christmas tree became the gift that kept on giving to all God’s creatures, big and small, and taught me an unexpected holiday lesson.

Almost 10 years ago, my mom introduced me to the concept of the Christmas kitchen tree. It seemed unusual to put a Christmas tree in the kitchen, but that was Mom and her unique sense of style. And wouldn't you know it: she did it, received many compliments on her creativity and inspired others to replicate it.

What made this tree special were two things: one, it was in the kitchen, and two, the ornaments were food or food-related. She’d hang silverware, wooden spoons and cookie cutters on this tree, nestled among brightly-colored candies.

I decided to take the Christmas kitchen tree to the next level and create even more edible ornaments. It started with old-fashioned peppermints and candy canes, followed by shortbread cookies hung with twine. Tiny take-out boxes, striped in red and white, were stuffed with popcorn and hung on its branches. The finishing touch: yards of homemade popcorn and cranberry garland, thanks to my very generous friends whose fingers ached after hours on the garland assembly line.

My kitchen Christmas tree

The tree was a sight, all bright and cheery, smelling of peppermint, shortbread and fresh popcorn. It was admired by many, and as we stood in the twinkle of its lights, we felt the true spirit of Christmas.

Then the dog found it.

At first, the signs were subtle. I’d find a small piece of twine on the kitchen floor and assume I dropped it while decorating. Then I noticed more twine on the floor, but the pieces were knotted in small loops…just like the loops I had made to hang shortbread cookies on the tree. Around the 3^rd day, an all-out canine assault occurred. Popcorn carryout boxes were tipped, their crumbs strewn on the floor amid more empty twine loops. Among the carnage stood our 50 lb German Shepherd, her head hung in guilt. That day, the tree was slightly modified (read: edible ornament moved to higher boughs).

Then the mice found it.

I woke up one morning, shortly after the dog destruction, headed to the kitchen and found more cookie crumbs and popcorn kernels littering the floor beneath the tree. Immediately I started scolding the dog. At that moment, a small flurry blur darted out of the tree and nearly ran into my foot on its way to the pantry. Eek! Christmas had come early for the rodent population, and they were having a jubilee.

That day, the popcorn and cookies were removed. The peppermint candies had escaped both encounters with the wild kingdom, so I allowed those to stay, and the tree retained some of its festive character. Staring at the pile of edible ornaments on the counter, I picked up a stale cookie, took a bite out of it, tossed it in the trash, and burst out laughing.

The lesson? The best laid plans, my friends, don’t always work. On many occasions I strive for hosting, cooking and decorating perfection, only to end up with a snafu that makes me take myself not-so-seriously. I've laughed for days – weeks, even – at the thought of that dog gingerly removing cookies from the tree, one at a time, as well as the mice adorning its branches like real live, furry ornaments, snacking on popcorn as if at the movies. It will be a story to tell for years to come.

I wish you the perfect holiday…and not one with magazine-spread table arrangements, or photo-shoot-worthy food, or smartly-clad family posed around the tree with homemade eggnog. All of those things are nice (and I’d be lying if I said I didn't enjoy creating them) – but when your family and mine rolls out of bed in their sweats, hair sticking up in six directions, maybe syrup on their chin from a pancake breakfast, the kitchen trashed after that breakfast and wrapping paper soon strewn all over the floor…well, that’s what I’m most thankful for.

Merry Christmas.

That's A Wrap: Holiday Packaging Ideas

I’ll admit that it’s happened to me before: a very merry GIFT BAG Christmas.

When I’m wrapping the gifts in the back of a moving SUV while my husband speeds down the road towards family Christmas, I know I’ve waited a wee bit too long. In those instances, a number of gifts inevitably find their way inside of a lazy man’s wrap job…shoved into a gift bag and buried under a fistful of wrinkled tissue paper.

“Santa’s elves must have run out of wrapping paper this year,” I’d suggest offhandedly to my nephews. In reality, the damn elves had nothing to do with it. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It was this gift bag, or simply handing out the naked gift, which feels like it fell off the back of a truck.

I guess it could always be worse.
Photo courtesy of www.eryen.com 

In anticipation for another season of wrapping, I finally got myself together - and with a few supplies and an easy-to-follow theme, I came up with 2 wrapping styles anyone can follow or make their own.

Rustic

The more neutral the color palette, the better. Keep it simple with shades of earthy tones – tans, browns, greens. To achieve a rustic look, it’s more about texture than color. Burlap is back, and it’s easy to find burlap ribbons and other natural fibers at your local craft store.

This box is finished with a chalkboard gift tag I found at a big box
discount home store.

Woodsy

Channel flannel here. Use a neutral base –brown parcel wrapping works really well – and wrap with textiles from your closet or the local thrift shop. Snip and tear scarves, pants, ties and other interesting fabrics into ribbons and wrapping bands for your boxes.

I'm gonna pop some tags...and got a pile of scarves for $5 at the thrift shop.

Overlap small pieces and tie up with a neutral ribbon for
an interesting & easy bow.

If you really want to capture the great outdoors – like, say, “Eddie-Bauer-photo-shoot-on-a-mountain” woodsy – stick fresh or fake greenery, pinecones, feathers, twigs and other outdoor accoutrements in the homemade ribbons.

----------------------------------------------

 However beastly or beautifully it’s wrapped, I hope you get everything you want this holiday season.

Pow! A Christmas Punch, Right in the Kisser

Nothing makes me fa-la-la-la-la quite like a nice holiday cocktail. And the only thing better than a cocktail is an entire bowl or pitcher full of buzzy cheer.

No doubt you’ll have your share of holiday gatherings over the next few weeks, as many holidays across many traditions are celebrated, whether Christmas or others. Regardless of what you’re celebrating, one constant remains: booze brings out the best* in us!

*Author’s note: In this context, “best” may also be defined as or substituted with personas such as weepy child, jealous lover, awkward creeper and/or resident jackass.

Here’s a few seasonal sippers to serve a cheery crowd. These are some of my favorites because they're simple, tasty and look great in your punch bowl or in a pitcher.

Sparkling Cranberry Punch
For the kiddies and kids at heart. Stay sparkly and sober with this one! But, if you want to make this alcoholic, sub in a bottle of champagne or sparkling wine for the sparkling water.

• 2 quarts cranberry cocktail juice, chilled
• 1 6-oz can frozen pink lemonade concentrate, thawed
• 1 quart sparkling water, chilled

Garnish with frozen raspberries and fresh rosemary. Makes 15 - 20 servings. 

Lemon Drop Champagne Punch
Adapted from Martha Stewart
This is great for any jolly crowd of friends and family wanting to feel a little holiday warmth (read: buzz). 

• 8 lemons
• 1 cup sugar + 1 cup water
• 2 bottles champagne, chilled
• 1.5 cups high-quality vodka, chilled

Using a paring knife or peeler, remove the zest from 6 lemons and set aside. Juice the 6 lemons, straining pulp if desired. Mix sugar with water and heat over medium-high heat, stirring until sugar dissolves. Add lemon zests to the sugar water and set aside to cool. Combine lemon juice, champagne, vodka and sugar water (leave in zest). Cut remaining 2 lemons into thin slices and add to punch as garnish. Makes 16 servings.

"Drunk Uncle" Punch
Yep, I created this recipe and named it. Not because I have a drunk uncle, but because I pictured someone's uncle stumbling around the family Christmas gathering, swigging this punch and telling dirty jokes. It made me giggle, and you'll be giggling after a few cups of this punch, too.

• 2 -3 cups high-quality bourbon (depending on how drunk you want your uncle) 
• 4 cups ginger ale
• 2 cups apple juice

Garnish with apple slices and frozen or fresh, pitted cherries. Makes 16 servings. 

"You can't even say 'Merry Christmas' anymore. You gotta say, 'Hey, Baby Jesus, you wanna do pilates?'"

Slide over, Santa - I'm ready to drive the sleigh! But only if I sip these in moderation.

Merry Everything, everyone!

Shed Some Thanksgiving Guilt

I just threw away four donuts. FOUR. Without even taking a bite out of any of them. That's how full I'm feeling right now.

If you're feeling the after-effects of a food-induced Thanksgiving coma, you're like me, and the temptation was just too much to take.

It's goodbye for now...but not forever.

Here's a small smattering of what I sampled the past 4 days:

• Mashed potatoes, made by my husband using our favorite Martha Stewart recipe
• My homemade oyster dressing, a family tradition
• My aunt's chocolate cake
• A Mexican feast complete with chicken & shrimp tacos, authentic rice and more - another family tradition every Friday after Thanksgiving
• German chocolate cake, a birthday cake courtesy of my sweet mother-in-law
• Delicious, perfectly-cooked pork tenderloin at Friendsgiving
• ...all washed down with about a case of wine & champagne.

Now, I'm sure some of you filled up on the veggie tray, had reasonable portions in moderation and kept drinking water. If so...well, screw you. I ate too much and feel disgusting.

Fresh day, new week, so let's jump start our health again!

Here's the disclaimer: I am not, nor do I claim to be, a medical professional of any kind. Before attempting any change in your diet or exercise, consult your doctor.

How do I know I'm NOT a doctor? Because I once did that crazy cleanse that claims Beyoncé did it. Yep, I drank lemon juice & cayenne pepper mixed with syrup. The problem was I used pancake syrup that was butter flavored. If you think syrup + lemon juice + pepper sounds bad...try adding butter. Gag.

No more of that. Instead, I'm taking what I call a "healthful" approach to the post-holiday health hangover.

GUIDING MANTRA: CONSUME LESS
Duh.
If you've done a disproportionate share of feasting, consume less the few days after. Whenever your stomach feels half full, stop eating or drinking and rest your system. That means eating smaller meals and more snacks, which anyone will tell you is the key to a healthy metabolism year-round.

BREAKFAST
Do fruit. This morning I had fruit salad with grapes, clementine oranges, star fruit and kiwi. Suitable substitutes could be any mixture of fruit you desire. For the beverage, black coffee (this is important - NO sugar or dairy of any kind) or water, as much as you can drink. Others sing the praises of pomegranate juice. It's one of the strongest antioxidant foods known and will start detoxifying your system.


Da-da-DA! Super juice!

SNACK #1
Be sure to keep drinking water throughout the day. Even with that, chances are a fruit-only breakfast will have your stomach grumbling before lunch. Grab a handful of raw almonds, steering clear of those that may be salted or - ahem - coated in chocolate (I know some of you were trying to sneak your way around that). Almonds provide energy from "good" fats & oils. If almonds don't do it for you, have a small bowl of brown rice. Add any dry spices you like - black pepper, curry, ginger or others are acceptable. A dash of soy sauce might help you get through it, too. I'll eat half a package of the shelf-stable stuff from Uncle Ben's.

LUNCH
You saw this one coming...salad. Mixed greens with the addition of any combination of tomatoes, cucumber, carrots, bell peppers or other fresh vegetables. The greens pack lots of vitamins and minerals plus roughage to clean out your system. For dressing, go light with olive oil and/or lemon juice. If you need something sweet, do another glass of pomegranate juice with your glass of water.

SNACK #2
Are you still drinking water? Alternate this late-day snack with more almonds or brown rice, as listed in snack #1.

DINNER
Have a full bowl of brown rice and one more glass of pomegranate juice. Try roasting squash, onions and peppers to toss into your rice. If you can't handle more brown rice, mix it up with another salad. Roast beets or butternut squash for more sophisticated salad toppers. Dress with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. 

MORE DISCLAIMERS
This diet is not meant to be sustained more than one or two days at a time or ever-so-often to cleanse your system. To intensify the effects of this temporary diet, accompany it with walking, jogging or whatever level of exercise you're comfortable with for at least 45 minutes.

Or, better yet, just don't eat like a fool and you won't have to do any of this.

Give it a day or two. You'll be in ready for round 2 in no time.